Ravens Scum – By Neal Coolong
Steelers Fever Exclusive Editorial
|Want to read something sadly entertaining? Click here! This is an anti-Steelers web site put together by a typically ignorant and tragically un-funny Ravens fan, a man by the name of Tony Raven. I’m not laughing with you, Tony. I’m laughing at, around, toward, near and through you. It’s a site put together for Tony’s second all-consuming passion, hating the Steelers. My bet, his first would be his wife who left him for a man with a real job.
An example of his pure wit and comedic mastery.
John Madden was in Pittsburgh covering a football game one Sunday. He was walking along the Steelers’ sideline when he noticed Bill Cowher standing next to an unusual phone. Madden asked Cowher about the phone, to which Cowher replied, ‘That’s a hotline to God, and for $50 you can use it.’ Madden dug out $50 from his pocket and used the phone. The following week, Madden was covering a game in Baltimore. As he walked along the Ravens’ sideline, he saw a similar phone next to (Brian Billick). Madden asked if the phone was a hotline to God, and (Brian) replied, ‘Yes, and a call will cost you 50 cents.’ Madden then asked (Brian) why this phone cost so much less than the phone in Pittsburgh. Ted Marchibroda replied, ‘It’s a local call.’
Funny, I always thought Baltimore was the Latin derivative for Cesspool on the Atlantic. With Kyle Boller at the helm, and the return of Ray Lewis, the Ravens look to be the only team capable of stopping Pittsburgh’s run at another AFC North title. Ok, you can stop laughing now. Seriously.
My colleagues in the world of writing professional sports conveniently forget all logic and history when it comes to the name of Ray Lewis. He shocked the world this off-season when he managed to stay out of legal trouble, and spent his time making 6,000 commercials for EA Sports’ Madden 2004. I tell ya, nothing makes me want to play a video game more than seeing Ray Lewis make fun of rookies and kickers. How original! Must be a bad man, puttin’ those kickers in their places! Lewis will return to the middle linebacker position after missing most of last year due to injuries instead of criminal investigation; a change for him. This will not, however, make up for a rookie quarterback leading an offense so lackluster, it makes Keanu Reeves’ acting skills look like Kevin Spacey. Those same colleagues have forgotten that even with Lewis, their defense was gutted from their Super Bowl team, and have scarcely few players left. Their big name free agent? Corey Fuller. A man shorter than Napoleon with an ego larger than Zeus’. Or possibly even Brian Billick’s. Nah.
The addition of Fuller means Plaxico Burress now has his two favorite cornerbacks (Chris McAllister) on the same team to pick on in two games this season. Want a tip? Start Burress against Baltimore in Fantasy leagues. He’s traditionally torched McAllister, who is allegedly one of the best cover corners in the game, and lit up Fuller for a few touchdowns last season. It’s trendy to pick an upstart team like the Ravens. Media personalities love making the bold prediction all based around the assumption that Lewis is, in fact, God, and is good enough for a team to be successful on both sides of the ball. I would agree, if the 5-foot-9 Lewis could cover the 6-foot-5 Burress up and down the field better than McAllister or Fuller. However, the amount of tackles he gets won’t be able to stop a vertical passing attack that the Steelers have, and the Ravens can’t stop. Keep in mind, this is not the New York Giants’ offense the Ravens beat in the dullest Super Bowl on record.
So Tony Raven, your anti-Steelers jokes are going to have to make room for the truth. The Steelers are coming through your town at some point this season, and they’re going to burn your house down.