Billick Can’t Handle Holiday Stress, Steelers – By Neal Coolong
Steelers Fever Exclusive Editorial
|The 12 Days of Christmas? Ha! How cliche is that? A Steelers fan deserves more this holiday season. They deserve 14 wins in a row to close out the season. They deserve a defense that intimidates fanatics in Fallujah. They deserve the avenging of their only loss this season. And how fitting it is that loss came against their most hated rival, the Baltimore Ravens.
The Ravens…the greatest collection of thugs, criminals and self-promoters short of Snoop Dogg’s posse. It makes you wonder if they even have the soul to appreciate the 12 Days of Christmas.
In that spirit, SteelersFever.com gives you the 12 Days of the Ravens Christmas, counting down the team’s unprinted activities going up to Sunday’s matchup in Pittsburgh.
12. RB Jamal Lewis announces to head coach Brian Billick that his ankle still hurts, he hates playing with QB Kyle Boller and his parole officer needs Billick to sign off on his community service hours for the week.
11. LB Ray Lewis slaps himself 15 times after a press conference in which he claimed the Ravens defense could stop Indianapolis. “The word was ‘contain,’ Ray! Not stop!” screamed their PR director. Lewis begins sobbing, repeating “I gotta do this, I gotta do this” a la Tommy Boy.
10. Billick goes on a tirade after a reporter asked him to clarify his statement last September about Joey Porter never being able to play on his team.
“We don’t need bums like that! That’s a bad attitude, and we don’t have those on this team. We play the game clean, we play the game hard and we play it for the fans.”
Immediately after answering questions with reporters, Billick speaks with Lewis’ judge about possibly reducing his sentence for his involvement with drug trafficking, and talks to G.M. Ozzie Newsome about signing Ron Artest to an eight-week contract.
9. TE Todd Heap is asked his response to Porter’s comments (“Fine, I guess I can’t play for the Ravens. I’ll just have to accept the 13-1 team with a Pro-Bowl selection. Life sucks sometimes, huh?”)
“All I know is I was on the field, I was in my stance, I responded when the ball was snapped, Porter had absolutely no reason to sneeze on me, making me fall over. That’s just not what football is about.”
8. Billick goes on a tirade when asked about the current situations of Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi and BALCO. “They would never play for the Baltimore Ravens. We don’t need bums like that, and we don’t have those on this team. We play the game clean, we play the game hard and we play it for the fans.” Billick then reported to CB Corey Fuller’s judge about the gun-fight that broke out in his home, and about the gambling charges facing Fuller due to his home’s casino night, in which tens of thousands of dollars changing hands.
7. Sunday Night Football. It was rated as Baltimore’s defense vs. Indianapolis’s offense, but once again, the media forgot that Boller was still under center. Colts DE Dwight Freeney made Ravens LT Jonathon Ogden look like Jonathon Silverman, and the Colts clearly dominated the game from the start, winning 20-10.
Billick was quoted after the game saying, “Well, the team lost. I don’t lose. I only win. Come talk to me after we win and I’ll tell you how I did it.”
6. Ray Lewis, in a pre-practice speech worthy of Aragorn, tells the team collectively to put all of their criminal trials on their shoulders while playing the game, because that’s what he did when he was facing double-homicide charges. NFL Films has since dubbed it “Courage Under Duress,” and Lewis has since further been dubbed a hero by FOX, CBS and John Madden.
5. Ravens WR Travis Taylor tells CBS of how he always burns Steelers CB Deshea Townsend, and how he’s going to do it again. He continues to say that Townsend doesn’t have the experience that he does, and that he’s going to “embarass him like Freeney embarassed J.O.” Townsend looks confused when asked how he would like to respond, and asked, “Who’s Travis Taylor?”
4. Billick himself calls a press conference, citing a major announcement. When every media outlet in Baltimore arrives, Billick announces that “Rudy will never play for this team. He’s too small. I don’t care how many career sacks he logged at Notre Dame. We don’t need bums like that, and we don’t have those on this team. We play the game clean, we play the game hard and we play it for the fans.”
After the reporters looked around for hidden cameras, a few began to mumble. “Are you feeling ok, Bill?”
“Yeah, are you…hanging out with your players a bit more than usual?” Billick became very agitated, cupping his ears with his hands and was heard to mutter, “Stop it! Stop it! Leave me alone!” as he rushed out of the room.
3. The Pro Bowl teams are announced, and Billick is shocked that Boller, Taylor and Deion Sanders are not elected. A press conference is scheduled as Billick said he has a major announcement. No one showed up.
2. The Ravens hammer out the final details to sign new WR Ron Artest. Despite protests from the NBA, the remainder of the NFL and Consumer Rights Advocates, Artest arrives for the Ravens walk-through before traveling to Pittsburgh for a must-win game.
A fan at the airport throws a copy of Artest’s latest country CD and hits him in the face. Artest, feeling hurt and confused, proceeds to knock Sanders’ block off, forcing Ray Lewis to run into the nearest Magic Wok, beating the holy hell out of Mong Su Ni, the manager. Billick announces that Manager Wok will never play for the Ravens.
1. After Porter sneezes at his home in Pittsburgh, Heap suddenly sustains a concussion, and is unable to play in the Dec. 26 game. Billick is committed, as his latest attempt to not sign other professional athletes threw him into the depths of schizophrenia. His contract was quietly voided, and they just put the player/coach tab on Ray Lewis, which was pretty much the case the whole time. The Steelers win 65-3, with Ray Lewis doing his trademark dance after a sack of Brian St. Pierre at the end of the game.
Porter “Boot”s him right in the balls. Game over. Home field advantage.