Predictions For The 2006 NFL Season – By Matt Savrock
Steelers Fever Exclusive Editorial
|Preseason: Kellen Winslow suffers a season-ending injury shortly after practice. Just before the injury occurs, he yells “Hey y’all, watch this!” and the rest of the Browns run for cover.
Fortunately for the Browns, everyone else gets away in time and will still be able to play. Unfortunately for the Browns, everyone else gets away in time and will still be able to play.
Week 1: The season kicks off with the first-ever Manning Bowl, in which Peyton’s Colts stomp Eli’s Giants. Fans everywhere are surprised to learn that both quarterbacks are sons of former Saints quarterback Archie Manning, as this fact has never been mentioned before by any media outlet.
Week 2: Terrell Owens catches two touchdown passes and immediately holds a press conference in his driveway demanding that the Cowboys renegotiate his contract.
Week 3: The Saints re-open the Superdome with a Monday night game against the Falcons. With a 21-13 lead late in the fourth quarter, they simply have to kneel on the ball to run out the clock, but a bad snap results in a turnover. The Falcons tie the game and win in overtime. The game is considered a huge milestone in the New Orleans recovery effort because the Saints finding a creative way to lose is another sign that life is back to normal.
Week 4: With TO double-covered, Drew Bledsoe throws the game-winning touchdown pass to Terry Glenn. TO curses Bledsoe the whole way off the field and down the tunnel to the locker room, where he curses head coach Bill Parcells. Parcells suspends him, then trades him to Miami.
Week 5: Eli Manning is sacked eight times in an ugly loss to Washington, and the Giants drop to 0-5. In response, Archie and Olivia Manning hold a press conference demanding that Eli be traded to a contender. “New York just isn’t the right situation for him,” says Archie. Olivia adds that the contender should be an NFC team because Peyton’s already in the AFC.
Week 6: Because of his negative attitude and diminished production, the Ravens cut Ray Lewis…oops, bad choice of words. Because of his negative attitude and diminished production, the Ravens waive Ray Lewis.
Week 7: Bye week for predictions.
Week 8: In spite of having a bye week, the Detroit Lions still manage to lose.
Week 9: Former NFL quarterback and current PGA Tour rookie Tommy Maddox fails to make the cut in his first tournament. At a press conference, he blames his poor performance on the wind affecting his tee shots.
Week 10: In overtime against the Chiefs, Dolphins quarterback Marcus Vick throws the winning touchdown pass to Chris Chambers instead of a double-covered TO. TO curses Vick the whole way off the field and down the tunnel to the locker room, then starts again the next day at practice. Vick pops a cap in TO’s ass. Drew Rosenhaus announces that TO wants out of Miami.
Week 11: The Chiefs stomp a mudhole in the Raiders, 58-0. Al Davis sues the Chiefs for “causing emotional pain and humiliation”.
Week 12: Ricky Williams returns to the U.S. and petitions the NFL to assign him to the Amsterdam Admirals for the following spring. He also shows up in the TV studio and eats the entire Turducken that John Madden provided, plus three bags of Doritos.
Week 13: The Arizona Cardinals are eliminated from playoff contention after a 41-31 loss to the Rams. After the game, Matt Leinart says, “We’re still the best team in the league. The defense just didn’t do their job.”
Week 14: The Bengals survive a scare from the Raiders thanks to a bonehead play by Aaron Brooks.
Week 15: Word leaks out that the Dolphins and Jets have agreed to a trade that will send TO to New York during the offseason. Dolphins coach Nick Saban expresses regret that having TO in Miami didn’t work out because “he’s a quality person and someone I’d love to have on my team.” Jets coach Eric Mangini is less smitten, saying that no quarterback should have to deal with TO, but since Jets quarterbacks only last a game or two before being injured it won’t be a big deal.
Week 16: FEMA announces that it will issue disaster relief checks to Ravens season ticket holders. The program fails when nobody will admit to being a Ravens season ticket holder.
Week 17: The Browns lose their season finale against the Texans, thus making the first-round pick they’ll inevitably squander in 2007 just a little more of a waste.
Wild-card round: Chad Johnson runs his mouth all week until the Chargers shut him up. The Patriots knock off the Broncos. In the NFC, Dallas somehow wins without TO and the Falcons somehow lose in spite of having the unstoppable Michael Vick.
Divisional Playoffs: With under two minutes to go in the game, the Chargers lead the Colts 16-14. The Colts drive the ball down the field, setting up a 2nd and 1 from the San Diego 25. Peyton Manning tries to throw to the end zone for a touchdown on both second and third down, but both passes are broken up. On fourth down, he waves Adam Venatieri off the field and attempts a quarterback sneak, but is stopped for no gain, and the Chargers advance to the AFC Championship Game. Manning later says the Colts had protection problems on the last drive. The Steelers beat New England. In the NFC the Eagles beat the Panthers and the Seahawks beat the Cowboys. ESPN’s “Cold Pizza” is cancelled for the following week because Skip Bayless is crying too hard to go on camera.
Conference Championships: The Steelers beat the Chargers and the Seahawks beat the Eagles to set up a rematch in Super Bowl XLI.
Super Bowl XLI: The Steelers leave no doubt this time, winning 49-0. Or do they? On the Steelers’ first drive, Grant Wistrom had apparently sacked Ben Roethlisberger on third and 8 to force a punt. But the play was erased by an offsides penalty, setting up a 3rd and 3 the Steelers easily converted en route to a touchdown. After the game, Mike Holmgren called the penalty “ticky tacky”, noting that Wistrom was only offsides by one or two steps so the zebras should have let it go.
“That completely demoralized our team,” Holmgren would later say. “It not only gave the Steelers critical momentum on the opening drive, but it also made us realize we were playing against the stripes again.” Holmgren also complained about an incompletion where Jerramy Stephens was ruled out of bounds, stating “his foot was only over the sideline by a few inches.”
February 2007: Skip Bayless says the Steelers are overrated and shouldn’t be considered a dynasty even if they three-peat in ’07. Carson Palmer says if it hadn’t been for the San Diego police arresting Chris Henry, the Bengals would have won the Super Bowl. Holmgren continues whining about the referees, and is later accused of stalking Pete Morelli.
March 2007: Brett Favre announces that he has not yet made a decision on returning to the Packers in the fall.