Are You The Next Steelers Mascot?
Steelers Fever Exclusive Editorial
|Saturday, June 9, 2007
By Marc Simon
Steelers Fever Columnist
After 75 years, the Pittsburgh Steelers are finally going to have a real live human mascot. You wonder how the team survived so long without one, but who are we to question the Rooney’s?
If you’ve entertained the fantasy of being the Steelers mascot, be advised that it’s not as easy as you think. But if you think you have what it takes, take a look at some of the items on the three-page mascot application:
You have to be at least 21, a U.S. citizen and be in good physical shape. You also must be in “excellent” mental health. Unfortunately, this may exclude 93.4% of Steelers fans right off the bat.
You must meet the size requirements of the Mascot’s costume — height, 5′ 6″ to 6’2″, chest 54″(max), waist 38″ (max), shoe size 12 men’s (max). This one is a head-scratcher. You would think they’d make the costume fit the size of the best candidate, but maybe they buy the costumes off the rack. Personally, I meet all the qualifications except maybe for that waist caveat, but I could always lay off the Iron City for a month or so.
You have to list what your occupation is, and to describe in two sentences what you do at work. Easy to say what your occupation is, much harder to say what you do. Plus the question assumes that you actually have an occupation.
You have to describe your marital status/significant other status. Like if you’re married, divorced, single, single with boyfriend, single with girlfriend, single with both, etc., how long you’ve been dating, and so forth. It’s a bit personal, but hey, you want the job, right?
You have to name your three favorite hobbies. Again, that’s easy for most Steelers fans — watching Steelers football, talking about Steelers football, astrophysics.
You have to tell them whether or not you’ve been treated for any serious physical or mental illness within the past three years. This is understandable. The Steelers don’t want the next John Wayne Gacy jumping around in disguise.
You have to list three adjectives to describe yourself. For those who need help with this question, an adjective is a word that, well, it’s like, you know how when you see Willie Parker running the football, you say, “hey, that’s Fast Willie Parker.” One of those words is the adjective. But don’t use “fast” to describe yourself, unless you are, or unless you are Willie Parker.
You have to answer the question, if you could hold any political office, what would it be and why? King of the Bleepin’ Universe is not a political office. I’m not sure how this question is relevant, except that many politicians are good at stirring up crowds, and most are between 5’6″ and 6’2″ and have shoe sizes smaller than size 12 men’s.
You have to list what is your favorite sports team. You also have to list your favorite sport. Please. Are these trick questions?
You have to state whether you’ve ever been a mascot or costumed character. I was Mr. Clean for Halloween this year, but that’s probably not what they mean.
You have to describe your perfect day. This one is wide open to interpretation. Briefly (they only give you three lines to reply), I would say, on the same day, the Steelers win the Super Bowl, my novel is published, and Angelina Jolie tells me relax, I’m not the father.
Finally, you have to state why you should be the Steelers mascot. Hey, what adult wouldn’t want to jump around in a costume for four hours every Sunday in front of a screaming horde of 65,000 rabid and half in the bag fanatics? Maybe that’s the wrong answer.
You also have to submit a video of yourself in action. One that is suitable for family viewing, so be careful. The deadline for applications is June 30, 2007, so if you’re thinking about it, get cracking.
The Steelers are going to have a mascot. Wow, what’s next, cheerleaders?