Predictions For The 2007 NFL Season
Steelers Fever Exclusive Editorial
|Wednesday, September 05, 2007
By Matt Savrock
Steelers Fever Columnist
September 9: Terrell Owens drops ten passes and finishes with just one catch for three yards. After the game, he blames the drops on the game plan: “They didn’t throw me the ball enough.”
September 16: The Madden Curse strikes again. Vince Young is sandwiched between two Colts defenders, causing a bruised sternum and broken ribs. On his way to the ground, his cleats catch in the turf resulting in a torn ACL and broken leg.
September 30: TO drops all eight passes that are thrown to him. After the game, he blames Tony Romo for not throwing catchable balls and suggests that the “Tony Homo” nickname is more than just an unimaginative corruption of “Romo”.
October 17: The Raiders defeat the Chiefs 35-3 in front of 58,000 rabid fans. What’s that? October 17 is a Wednesday? Shhhh…it’s a trick. The Chiefs win the real game four days later. Today’s game is a ruse to keep Al Davis away from the actual operations of the team. Lane Kiffin explains: “We all knew his mind was going, but we didn’t realize how bad it was until he poked his head into my office a few days ago and asked if Ghost was good to go. So we came up with a plan to keep him distracted. It’s a good thing most of our fans have never had a job, or we wouldn’t have been able to play a fake game on a Wednesday.”
October 28: Randy Moss wanders off the field in the middle of a play. Coincidentally, this “mental mistake” happened on a play where he was supposed to go over the middle against Washington safeties LaRon Landry and Sean Taylor.
November 7: Al Davis discovers the ruse when “Rex Grossman” throws for three touchdowns. “I might be losing it, but even I know that would never happen,” says the furious Oakland owner. “Madden, I can’t believe you would do something this low! Zzzzzzzzzzz…” Kiffin says he should have trusted his first instinct and used Aaron Brooks as Grossman. “Yeah, one’s black and the other’s white, but Al can’t see well enough to pick up on that. We just needed the Chicago quarterbacking to suck.”
November 8: With his return from the 8-game suspension imminent, Chris Henry is featured on the cover of Sports Illustrated as “God’s Wide Receiver”.
November 11: Chris Henry catches three passes as the Bengals beat the Ravens in the Felon Bowl.
November 13: In a shocking and unexpected turn of events, Chris Henry gets arrested again and is suspended for the remainder of the season.
November 25: Cleveland loses. Safe prediction. Actually, you can move this one to just about any week.
December 3: Investigators discover an illegal gambling operation in Michael Vick’s jail cell. Vick is shocked, shocked, to learn about such unsavory activities and denies any knowledge or involvement.
December 16: The Lions defeat the Titans to wrap up a suprising division title. Just kidding!! They clinch the top overall draft pick with a 44-7 loss. Rod Marinelli is fired, but for some reason Matt Millen gets a huge pay raise and a 10-year contract extension.
December 20: The Alabama Crimson Tide arrives in Detroit for the Motor City Bowl, amid speculation that Nick Saban is leaving to take the Lions job. Saban angrily denies the rumors and berates sportwriters for bringing up the issue: “This is ridiculous. Neither my agent nor I have had any contact with the Lions. I’m staying at Alabama for the rest of my career, and I’m sick of you people spreading these rumors.”
December 21: Bama fans are stunned to wake up to a press conference where Saban is introduced as the new head coach of the Lions.
December 29: With a wild-card spot on the line, the Giants drop their final game of the season to fall to 6-10, giving the final playoff berth to San Francisco on a tiebreaker. With speculation mounting about Eli’s future in New York, Archie asks the Chargers not to trade for him.
January 5-6: In the opening round of the playoffs, Vince Young returns from his injuries and leads the Titans to an overtime victory over the Broncos. Bud Adams immediately locks him out of the team training facility and demands that he take a pay cut. In other action, the Bears knock off the 49ers, the Jets beat the Patriots, and the zebras and Packers join forces to eliminate the Seahawks. Ocho Cinco hosts a big playoff-viewing party at his house, which is sure to become an annual tradition.
January 12-13: The Steelers beat the Titans, the Colts beat the Jets, the Packers upset the Eagles, and and the Saints avenge last year’s NFC Championship Game loss to Chicago. Skip Bayless and Colin Cowherd agree that anything the Steelers accomplish for the remainder of the postseason deserves an asterisk because the Titans don’t have Pacman Jones.
January 20: With the Packers leading the Saints 21-17 late in the fourth quarter, Reggie Bush breaks free for an apparent go-ahead touchdown. As he approaches the end zone, Bush slows down to taunt the Green Bay defense, and A.J. Hawk knocks the ball through the end zone for a touchback to seal the win. In the AFC championship, Peyton does a lot of yelling and suffers from protection problems as the Steelers end the Colts’ bid for a repeat.
Super Bowl XLII: Brett Favre closes out his great career with a three-touchdown performance, but it isn’t enough to match Ben Roethlisberger’s 300 yards and five touchdowns, and the Steelers take home their sixth Lombardi Trophy.
December 31, 2008: Bill Belichick retires and is replaced by Auburn head coach Tommy Tuberville. Lions head coach Nick Saban angrily denies rumors that he is a candidate to replace Tuberville on the Plains…